There are just things rattling around in my head and heart right now that I don't want to forget. Like how my children named our silver sun shade for the car, "Mr. Silver!" They open him up like book pages and tell stories when he is not in use blocking the sun. Or, how when I tuck Samuel in bed for the night at my parents house - he says, "Send Pepaw in so we can talk about our days." Watching Emily snuggle up to Pepaw and hold his hand and read to him after the Paramedics were here early on in our visit and seeing Rachel process again with her drawing of an ambulance during a second visit later in our stay.
To be honest I have to admit that at times these children, these blessings God has given me, drive me bananas. They do. I'm normal. But, there are also the times I see how they are taking things in stride and how they have adapted to the news that their Pepaw has cancer and they just accept it and move forward.
They continue to live their life and yes they are curious, but I have been so proud of how they have just done what we've asked them and accepted it at face value. To them, an ambulance coming is an adventure of sorts. They still know that there is a reason they have to come and that they are coming to help their Pepaw but they do not seem to fear it.
As one who spent much of her growing up years as a slave to fear - I admire this in them so much. I love that they have a healthy curiosity but also a willing acceptance of what information we provide. Trust.
My children seem to be planners - they want to know what the plan is for today and as far ahead as you will tell them. Where are we going? What are we doing today? What is for breakfast? What is for lunch? What is for dinner? Where are we going? You get the idea. One valuable lesson during this time is that our plans have to be held loosely and we must demonstrate flexibility and a fluid hold on these plans. They might change at any time so it is best not to be so set on something that we will fall apart if the plan changes.
You can see Rachel drew an ambulance and yes, we've had to call one twice while I've been visiting. My Dad is having some symptoms that we are not yet sure of the origin and after a number of appointments are still trying to get some answers. He seems to have good days and harder days and there is always the wonder of what does today hold for all of us.
Just go about your life as normally as you can.
My Mom and I have talked about this and a recent Paramedic said it to us as well. We just need to keep going and keep living our lives. Giving up will get us nowhere and nowhere quick.
In retrospect now, I think this is why our time here has been such a seeming contrast but such a balance as well. How can we be dealing with things like fire, smoke and calling the Paramedics and still go to the top of Pikes Peak, take a picnic lunch or even leave the house for that matter? We can't just sit at home waiting for something to happen or not happen. And, we definitely don't want to waste opportunities or be foolish either.
These are the moments where we have to trust that God will give us good judgement and wisdom and know that He is in control whether we try to keep the environment safe and controlled or whether we go out and enjoy His beauty. He has given us today, we are living it. That's just the way it is.
My Mom's kitchen windowsill always has a Scrabble tray and letters with a message on it. The one we've had the whole time I've been here is: God is in control.
That thought is both scary {read: I have to let go} and freeing! But, whichever reaction I have to it - it is still entirely true. And, it brings me back to the realization above ~
Trust.
